Patience and frustration is something I’ve struggled with all my life (as any old friends and family will attest to!). It’s still a work in progress and it’s interesting to watch the fine line between patience and avoiding dealing with something; or how sometimes I’m so quick to react instead of taking a few deep breaths first. Why have I always been in such a hurry? In other ways, why can I not wait to see what the universe has in store for me instead of constantly wanting it all now? Anyway, I’m playing the watching myself game. We can only change what we can see about ourselves, once said my yoga teacher Steve.
It’s also interesting to watch how my patience and tolerance levels thin when I’m just about to bleed. Or maybe I just won’t take any bullshit or prisoners, especially this month, it’s day 38 of my moon cycle today and I’m in full blown truth and sword mode! Warrior goddess and crone mode all rolled into one. Eek. Don’t expect me to coat anything in sugar ‘cos it’s coming out raw and unedited and that’s just how it is. Rarrh! However, sometimes I forget I’m a yogini and the old aggressive, annoyed one pops up in amongst the sweet one or the wise crone. So yesterday I didn’t breathe as much as I could have and take my time before reacting to the fact that my parking spaces were not only all full but my garage was also completely blocked when I got home from skiing. I got annoyed. Very annoyed. Especially as there were public parking spaces available 2 minutes’ walk away. So I gently gave the horn a little meep and stuck my head out of the window, said I live here and I’d like to drive into my garage please and then looked slightly perturbed, made a wry comment about how people actually live here too, until someone came and moved their motor. Then I had a convo with one of my neighbours and moaned about people’s parking. Hannah in full London swing haha. Reminds me of the days battling people in Majestic car parks lol. Sigh.
I could have done much better and acted more graciously actually. I could have been a bit more smiley and polite and patient and grateful. But I wasn’t. Maybe next time. Still, I was waaay better than I was 10 years ago! Work in progress. None of us is a finished masterpiece, not one. Not even those uber mega Gurus or teachers lol. We’re all in it together, this battle for freedom from ego and selfishness and pain. So onto tolerance. My tolerance for certain behaviours and others’ bullshit is waning. I’m working with not letting it annoy me, which is a slightly different thing, but I feel that when peoples’ behaviour impacts upon us because we let it, then it should be addressed. So I’m calling out all of us lazy, selfish fucks out there who just think about ourselves. It really pisses me off sometimes and I go into Kali Ma rage haha. My rage is temporary but some of this being selfish fucks seems to be a bit more of a long-term issue lol.
I know it’s not my place to change the world, nor do I wish to. It’s not my remit. But I can change my experience of the world around me, through how I behave, how I consume, how I am. My impact upon this earth and upon other living beings. And my tolerance for those who are caught up in their own little ‘me, me, me’ bubble is waning. Which is probably why I live in a tiny mountain village away from most people. But we can only lead by example, we can’t and shouldn’t force anyone to see things our way; we can gently encourage and inspire and that is amazing enough.
I’d like to say how lazy most of us are. Myself included. It’s just an observation. We want others to feed us information constantly and we’re not prepared to go looking for it ourselves. We want to park the closest so we don’t have to walk, even if it means parking on private land which is clearly signed ‘private parking space’. We want our stuff and we want it now and we don’t want to think about what happened to get that stuff to us. If the earth, animals or kids or women or men were harmed in that process… Can we become more aware? More conscious? Yes we can. All of us can. Anyway, in amongst this, I have a polite request. If you send me a friendship request via social media, please then take the time to peruse my profile, pages and website before then messaging me and asking me all those things you can find out there. Thank you. I’m getting around 50-100 new friend requests a day and it takes a lot of time trying to respond, especially when you’re too damn lazy to read the information for yourself. It takes lots of time to manage social media pages and build and maintain your own website, so it’s helpful when people make use of them instead of going to ‘give me all the answers now mode’. I’m so grateful for new connections, but please don’t eat into my time because you can’t be arsed to do your own research. I’m living with chronic pain, trying to earn enough money to live off (which I don’t yet) and I simply don’t have the time, inclination or energy. Thank you. I then ask for patience from you when responding, as actually I’m trying to keep it real and live in the real world and I simply do not want to be stuck to a computer all day. I wanna be out there doing stuff.
So before we do or say anything, can we take a few long, deep breaths and think before we react (every action has a reaction – laws of nature) and come from a place of better understanding and deliver a more considered response? Stop this conditioned mega fast reacting and slow down, take our time, feel into each situation and how to respond appropriately. Have you actually read that message or email properly before you’ve sent a response? Have you? Emotionally: I’m not saying don’t get angry, I’m saying don’t stay in your anger. Anger is sometimes absolutely appropriate, but it should then dissipate, be released. I’m simply asking that we think about how we approach those situations and are we thinking about just our self or how our action affects another? Can we set healthy boundaries so that we don’t get anxious and burned out by others? Can we remove ourselves from negativity when it’s overwhelming? Can we leave relationships and situations behind that don’t serve us? Can we say no? Can we step out of the people pleaser role and into the what serves my energy best role? Setting clear boundaries sends a message of strength and it helps others to understand what’s okay for us and what isn’t. This is crucial in childcare and in all relationships. Work out which behaviours in yourself and others you’re willing to accept and which you’re not. I spent years in the past being overridden and put down and trying to please others, I took emotional, sexual and physical abuse because I was unable to set clear boundaries and stick to them (lack of sense of self-worth). Life is a work in progress, what’s important is to watch ourselves and learn from our experiences. Yesterday I may have ruffled a few feathers on returning home, but I’m not here to follow most of society’s rules and regulations. I’m not here to be polite when the other person is the offender and being polite comes from a stupid system of not offending someone by telling them the truth. I’m not here to bow to the elite, the cabal and the fucked up system. I’m here to speak my truth loudly and clearly and as kindly as possible. (Truth without love isn’t truth). But I will speak it and no, mostly I don’t give a toss what others think and it’s not arrogance, it’s taken me a lot of work to not base my self worth upon the opinions of others.
Avoiding conflict: as a practitioner of yoga, I live by the philosophy of ahimsa, do no harm. I don’t want aggro. I wanna be chilled and peaced out in my little mountain retreat when I’m here. Singing and meditating and reading and cooking, cleaning… Not some ranty balcony woman haha. My solution to the car parking issue? Open the garage door for all to see my car and a whiteboard with my little parking sign on it (which is magnetic & lives on the garage door) and a hand-written note on the whiteboard asking “lovely people to please don’t park in front of my door as I’m away from home a lot and I often work very far away and I need to be able to easily come and go. Thank you.” And a heart. (The old enraged one goes but you shouldn’t have to. Yeah I know woman, but I kinda DO have to, so I do. Positive steps to avoid energy loss. Much easier.) I can’t expect everyone to see the world through my eyes. Drop the shoulds.
I am a wild woman, I’m no girl, I’m a truth-seeking yogini, lover of nature, finally starting to embrace all of my darkness and all of my light, my softness and wildness, the strong and the vulnerable one. I will no longer apologise for who I am. I’m here to ruffle feathers but also to offer love and understanding, softly stroking alongside the ruffling – patience, tolerance and boundaries. Love and shakti, Hannah xxx